Obnoxious Camper Guide

Guide to being an Obnoxious Camper


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Guide to being an Obnoxious Camper

Once you start RV'ing you will meet folks from all walks of life. Many of these will become lifetime friends. However, on occasions you will stumble across a group of campers from Hell! There are a number of activities that are really not appreciated by the majority of people sharing a campground. While, I didn't write this, I wish I had. It is a classic, obviously written by a very talented writer that has seen it all and been astute enough to chronicle it.

Enjoy, the read and to take a hint if by chance you see yourself.

While it's true that with each camping trip we learn something new, we've also found that we get the opportunity to relearn something old, such as what it is like to live next door to the Simpsons for a few days. Instead of the ingredients for s'mores, this family has brought a small liquor store. They have a boom box and a large, untrained dog named something like "Thunder-turd." There is an ax and a whittling knife for each family member, all stuck into a tree for safekeeping. There are two layers of rip-stop nylon between you and them if you're in a Pop-Up.

During the years, I have philosophically concluded that every such campground should have such a group, if for no other reason than to make everything else look good. And the truth is, being a truly obnoxious camper is a delicate art, relying on careful planning and orchestration. The rules are as follows:

Make your entrance to the campground fashionably late, preferably after 10:00 PM., when there is no available light and everyone else is asleep. It helps a LOT if you have a Dodge Diesel. Drive around the entire campground with your brights on so you can inspect each potential campsite fully so campers can make shadow puppets inside their tent if they want.

Feel free to idle your engine at high RPM for long periods while you and your family carefully weigh the merits of each site, including those which are already taken.

If you have a boat, camper, motor home or other vehicle that blocks your rear view, always back into your parking space. Again, take your time, preferably having someone in your party stand behind the vehicle, shouting directions at the driver. Keep at it until you get it exactly right, grinding your reverse gear, revving your engine and spinning your tires in the gravel as needed. If things take longer than you planned, which they probably will, swear a lot. This is, after all, the country. Do it loudly, leaning out your open window and with all the gusto you can muster. And don't forget the kids. It will ease the tension for everyone if you get them to cry.

Pump and pump that lantern for all your worth (skip the directions, you can't see them anyway), then throw in a lit match and enjoy the majesty of your very own atomic blast. Keep the valve completely open, so your campsite will serve as a beacon for other campers who may be lost, disoriented or under the impression they were sleeping comfortably.

Pack a tent that uses metal poles. Plastic poles just don't clang loudly enough when you throw the sack of them on the ground, trip over them and kick them out of the way.

Be sure someone in your party is either:

a) drunk and obnoxious;

b) ill with bronchitis, emphysema or some other lung affliction that produces a loud hacking cough;

c) tired and under the age of four, or

d) all of the above.

Hours later, when you have set up and fully decorated your campsite with hummingbird feeders, lawn chairs, Japanese lanterns and your newly made walking sticks, zip and unzip all the sleeping bags and tent vigorously four or five times each to ensure proper functioning for the night.

Have a radio playing - a simple boom box or car radio will do. If the signal is weak, and there is a lot of crackle, you can always turn up the volume.

And last but not least... Plan to have your entire party sleep late. There is always a family somewhere nearby with small children who rise and begin their day at the crack of dawn. They'd like to eat their granola bars and drop by to play trampoline on your tent. While their parents sip espresso and watch.

But don't leave now... There's more you can do, such as: Go to sleep real late so you will have an excuse to sleep in while your kids go to
neighboring sites to drool over other peoples breakfast.

Do your part to keep the forest tidy. Kick down and drag to your site any tree you can. Don't bother to cut it, just let it hang from the fireplace and feed it in as it burns. Let your kids peel all the bark they can from the white birches. After all you paid for your site, you're entitled to
do as you wish.

When you're breaking camp don't bother to get your tarp ropes down, Just hack them off at eye level. After all someone else might want to use them.

Don't bother to dispose of your bottle caps and cigarette butts. Folks are looking forward to living in your dirty ashtray, and the kids will love stepping on those bottle caps.

Bring all the heavily painted firewood you can. Old kitchen cabinets work great. Your neighbors will enjoy the lead, heavy metals and general crud all over their gear.

Travel light when you go to the shower. If the showers are metered you can always hit someone up for a quarter. Better yet try the sincere approach, ask folks to change a $20.

Shoot, if you think about it you might even be able to think of more totally obnoxious things to thrill others in the campground.

When the above was posted to an online RV group several individuals responded with additional "rules":

When you get to that select campsite, don't use blocks to raise your wheels to level your rig, just use an ax and shovel make a pothole in the
gravel or dirt to lower your rig appropriately as needed.

While you set up, don't forget to leave your dog off the leash so he can wonder over to say hello to all the other campers in adjacent
campsites.. Your dog might even get lucky with someone else's dog or a neighbors leg.

Before you leave, don't forget to dump all your garbage in the firepit. The next camper can use it to start his campfire. At the very least,
leave your campfire going so that the next occupant doesn't have to start a fire; even if the next camper isn't there for a few days, he
will appreciate smoldering coals.

And another:

Ever notice that those Simpson families all arrive in mini-vans ? The sliding doors on those things are perfect for keeping the rest of the campground awake all night and as a 5:30 AM alarm clock as each kid personally opens and closes the door at least twice. Its the magic of that 1 to 2 second sliding sound followed by the crash at each end as 75lbs of sliding door goes down an ungreased track and comes to a dead stop that does it. Car doors make a brief noise when closed - mini-vans give you a few moments of anticipation before the crash.


And another:

They forgot one important chore: Make sure you burn all disposable plastic jugs in a smoldering campfire just before you leave.


And another:

They also forgot to mention about that big dog they have which sits up barking at everyone and everything day and night. And all the beer cans they left in the fire pit for others to clean out.


And yet another adds:

These people pulled in next to us on Friday night, about 6:00, and were all frustrated because half of them had been late picking up the other half, and hadn't done any of the work getting the MH ready - there were 2 couples, a 3 year old, a deaf boxer, and an 18 yr old Yorkshire terrier......

The MH hadn't been used in about 6 yrs, and of course, had hardly any supplies in it, or necessities for camping, and no awning - and it was HOT! They couldn't find the BBQ - and used our coals to "BURN" about 8 lbs of good sausage from Lockeford Meat at $3.99 a LB - this was 2 hours after we had eaten.......

The boxer S*** in our campsite - the kid screamed the whole time - they borrowed our milk, the Yorkie barked for 3 days, they borrowed our tinfoil, they took the kid to the fair at 10:30 at night, they scattered a good 5 cases of beer cans across about 3 campsites, their AC wouldn't work, so they slept outside, their refer wouldn't work, and the propane leaked, so they couldn't use that either, and they dropped about 15' of sewer hose down the "air hole" instead of the sewer hole, cause they didn't have the "fitting". They also didn't know which valve worked the "black tank" and the "gray tank".........and they needed to "dump" 6 yrs worth of "black tank" accumulation........

The boxer barked at everything that moved, and you couldn't tell her to "shut-up" cause she's deaf, and she tore up and spread garbage the whole time she was tied up with a 20' rope..........

The first time they left her in the MH, she jumped out the drivers window and came over to eat "Bear's" food and S*** in our campsite again - I put her back in and rolled up the window (with the vice grips that were attached where the handle should have been) I finally went after her with a newspaper, and untangled the "Yorkie" about 6 times, who was tied with about 12' of string, and was wrapped around all the table legs, and couldn't get to her water etc....finally opened the door to the MH and threw her and her water in........ this all went on for 3 days!!!!!!!!

When we were coming back from swimming each night - they had just fed the kid (maybe) and were headed to the fair at 9 or 10 o'clock......... then they all drooped around each day until late afternoon with hangovers, and trying to figure out how to make a breakfast with nothing to cook on........ These weren't kids! They were 55, 53, 41 and 28 yrs old! The 28 yr old had the most sense of all! Though they ate left over Chinese rice for breakfast, they NEVER ran out of Ice or beer........They weren't noisy - they played no music, am sure that didn't work either, but they were pigs!!!!

We were so glad to see them gone when we got back from "touring" on Sunday afternoon, it almost became a vacation!!! I will NEVER park next to my daughter and stepbrother AGAIN!!!!!!

Again, I didn't write this but sure wish that I had.


Now folks if that don't tickle your insides nothing will.

I hope that everyone takes something positive away.

Happy camping.



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